Delaying... Again

Amy and I have been talking. We are headed back to Waiting To Try until at least the end of 2014. It makes perfect sense. Thing is, there is so much we still want to do. We're lucky that Amy earns a decent amount of money, but she has only been earning that for the past year and we struggled a lot before that. We were saying tonight we both think we need to actually have some time to enjoy our lifestyle. Enjoy our earnings and do the things we want to do. We're changing Florida for New York in October and booking Florida for next September. We got a good deal for two weeks next year in a lovely resort with free dining. It's not just holidays, though. As much as we both want a baby, I think we want a couple of years just being a couple who are not struggling. We went from struggling with money right to trying for a baby, and I don't think we're done being selfish yet. We're having a lovely time just us at the moment and I want that to last a bit longer. I want to be done doing "our" stuff so that then we are ready and can give a baby all the love and affection in the world. There's so much I want to experience before children and it all just came clear last night.

We're also still young. I'm 25, Amy is 28. Not like the biological clock is ticking too badly. We will start again just before Amy is 30. By then I will have prgressed to the next level in my job, Amy will have done whatever she is doing workwise. We will be happier, healthier and altogether more ready for a darling little one. I also would like to continue to get to know our new donor (who has been wonderful) so that it's maybe more of a "friend" relationship than a donor relationship. This wouldn't change anything with regards to having contact with baby unless he wanted to, but at the same time I think knowing each other a bit better may make the whole process a bit more stress free.

Please know that this is not a sad thing. I'm actually really happy with this choice and can't wait for the next year and a half or so.

With regards to other things, I'm sorry that the rest of this blog is still offline. I will put some of it back over the coming weeks. I'm still not allowed to talk about what happened with our previous donor because of the police investigation, but rest assured it is being dealt with and we are moving on. Regardless of how things turn out, we learnt a very important lesson which I think is incredibly important for anyone TTC with a donor. Trust your instincts. Listen to your heart and your head. If there are alarm bells ringing, it is probably for a reason. Look after your own safety at all times and never take anything at face value. The majority of donors in this game are genuine men who just want to help, but as with any group of people there are always a number of bad eggs and it is important to be aware of them.

I have had a number of publications contact me on the back of the spate of press recently regarding sperm donors. Here's the thing I think all journalists need to understand regarding trying to conceive with a donor. This is an incredibly intimate time. It's hard to talk about because people just don't understand. Because a lot of the press portray sperm donation as seedy, underground and something to be ashamed of, this men's people won't talk about it. "Sperm donor helps make beautiful baby" doesn't sell papers sadly. So, any journalist please feel free to email about general sperm donation things - I will happily answer your questions about the logistics of trying with a donor and such, but please respect that people may it want to talk about their situation per se.

Just the comments on a recent article about sperm donation made my blood boil. It is NOT always safer to go through a clinic. If I'm given the choice between looking at a piece of paper and deciding that "blonde hair, blue eyes, graduate" is my donor, or meeting the person in real life and knowing about them, I will always go for meeting. I've said this before and I will say it again. By using a donor who I have met, I know what their laugh sounds like, I know how they walk, I know what their sense of humour is like and what makes them tick. Who knows, "blonde hair, blue eyes, graduate" might be a real doofus in real life! Whilst I will never be having a relationship in the traditional sense with our donor, I do think that the biological other half of your child should be someone you get along with.

Anyway, I will try and update now and again during our waiting for baby journey, hope some of you will maybe stick with me, and to those who are trying I hope you all have your babies by the time Amy and I start our journey again!

Learning...

Isn't it funny that although we have been on this journey before, it feels even more scary this time around?

This month we will be monitoring Amy's cycles with temps and OPKs. We will also be discussing logistics of donates with our donor. All three of us work shifts, so it is going to be interesting to see whether we will be able to be in the same place at the same time for donations. Fingers crossed it will all fall into place!

The good thing about having been here before is that is not as easy for us to believe what some people say. You don't HAVE to lie down for 30 mins post donation (although everything does stay in there that way), you don't HAVE to have an orgasm as it won't necessarily help. There's so many things that people say you definitely need to do that are not proven and may not help at all. I mean, let's think about the natural way this happens. Some folk get pregnant from a one night stand in a back alley of a club. Certainly no laying down for half an hour involved there!

It's a bit like all the old wive's tales that you see knocking around. You can't get pregnant during your period, you can't get pregnant if its your first time, you can't get pregnant if you have sex standing up/in the bath/during a full moon. It is hard to get caught up on things you are told will help. That yearning for a baby sure does have a lot to answer for!

I feel a lot more savvy about the process this time, but I do wish there was a sure fire manual on how to get pregnant! But then again, I guess that if there was there would be many more children in the world than there are!

We are booking to go to New York in October. We were supposed to be going to Florida, but we cancelled that for a variety of reasons, none of which I am going to go into on here. We had such a gorgeous time in New York last year (I genuinely did not want to leave!!!) so I'm hoping we can have just as wonderful a time this year. The good thing is, is that we can now start trying in June rather than October! It could have been sooner than this, but Amy is going to a music festival (Download, for anyone who is interested) and didn't want to go pregnant, which I think is a wise decision!

Anyway, that's my update for today. Fingers crossed I can start updating more often now that I actually have something to talk about!

Square One

I almost feel like we are back at square one again - starting out on our new journey in October with a new donor and Amy trying instead of me. It's strange, because now I know all about my cycles, but we know nothing about hers. It's going to be interesting to see how it all pans out in terms of how fertile she is.

I was looking tonight at the websites for various clinics, and thanks to some good job choices, their prices don't seem so horrendous as they did when we first started looking into wanting a baby back in 2010. Part of me wonders if it would just be easier to pay for a clinic - that way everything is supervised and clinically safe, but then I remind myself that the natural way of making babies is not necessarily the most clinical or hygienic!

I think that is why it is so important that we are getting to know our new donor well. I have been speaking to him since january(ish) and we are getting in well. We have a lot of similar interests, which is good. Nothing gives me the heebie jeebies about him, which is also good. He is just a. Nice, normal guy who just wants to help. I think had we been a bit more selective the first time around we might have ended up with him as our donor.

I suggested to Amy that maybe she should go to the doctor to check that she is ovulating and such, but she said she would rather give it a couple of goes first as we have no reason to think that she isn't. She also doesn't have the same "looks like PCOS" symptoms that I do so I'm hoping she is much more fertile than me

We're also going to try (I repeat - try!) and not out so much pressure on ourselves this time around either. We are booking various holidays and things to look forward to, so we're not saying "oh, we can't book that because we might get pregnant". We're just getting on with our lives. I'm looking for a new job, also and Amy has joined a new team in her job so that is keeping us occupied. We also have Florida booked for October so in that time we will be fit, healthy, rested up and ready for baby!

Sorry this blog is a bit boring nowadays - I will try and be interesting, but there is not a whole lot going on (that I am allowed to post about) in my world, particularly with regards to having our much wanted baby.

My Weightloss Journey

I've now lost one fifth of the weight I want to lose before Florida in October! Which is great considering that for the last two weeks I haven't been to the gym at all because I've been working constantly. I was worried that I would have piled all the weight back on, but luckily I haven't, which is good. The ability to maintain the weight is important to me, so it's going well so far!

If anyone wants to add me on MyFitnessPal you can find me HERE - Myfitnesspal has been incredibly helpful in making me see what I eat in terms of calories and fat, sugars etc. It has allowed me to eat more of what is good for me, and has made me realise that some of the "bad things" I eat are not as bad as people make them out to be!

Anyhow, bring on size 12 for Florida! You can follow my progress at the top of the site.

Decisions... Gay marriage bill and baby talk...

After a long time of talking, thinking, talking... Some more thinking and a bit more talking, Amy and I have decided that from October she will try. This is partly because of the issues I've been having, but also because Amy has decided that she does want to carry after all! With her being older than me, I thought it was only fair to let her go first and I will try for a sibling as and when we are ready. It doesn't mean my dream of carrying is ending, and we still get our baby so all is well.

I struggled a little with the idea at first, but I think that was because of Amy's initial objections. The more I think about it, though, the happier I am with the idea. The thing was that I always thought it would be me doing all thos e pregnancy related things. Me seeing those two magical lines on a test, me laying on the bed for a scan while Amy looks at the screen, me in labour whilst Amy helps... You know what I mean. I worried that if I was to carry our second child that by that point it would all be old hat and samey. I worried it wouldn't be as exciting as the first time.

However after speaking with some good friends I realised that every pregnancy is special. Every child is exciting and every experience is different. So, that put my mind at rest a bit at least.

There are many positives of Amy trying first, though. The main one being that she doesn't seem to have the fertility problems that I do. She doesn't exhibit any signs of PCOS or anything like that. She earns more than me, which means her maternity package is better. On a purely cosmetic side,s he has blonde hair and blue eyes, which is what I always imagined our little one to look like. Our donor also has blonde hair and blue eyes - so fingers crossed! On another purely cosmetic view, it means our child won't get stuck with my ridiculous curly hair! Anyone who has curly hair knows what a nightmare it is.

So, I think come October this will be a really positive step for us both. It means I will better understand what Amy went through when I was TTC, and Amy will understand what I went through,. Hopefully we will have quick success and a little one sooner rather than later.

So, what else? As some of you may know, the issue of equal marriage is currently going through UK parliament. We have such a ridiculous, drawn out process over here. I'm going to attempt to explain it, but forgive me if I don't quite manage. Basically our parliament is made up of two houses - the House of Commons, and the House of Lords. The commons are "below" and the lords are "above". So, when the bill was voted on a couple of weeks ago, it was the second reading of the bill in the House of Commons. Now that it has been voted in it will go to committee stage, where it will be scrutinised and amendments may be made to it. Then the bill with amendments will be voted on again within the House of Commons in the third reading.

If all goes well with that, the bill will then go up to the House of Lords and start the process all over again! It will have its first reading, they will go and mull it over, then the bill will get a second reading and vote. Then committee stages, amendment and then it will be passed BACK to the House of Commons to make sure both houses agree on any changes made. Once they have all agreed the Queen gives her royal assent and BOOM - equal marriage! Well... It's not quite that simple as the legislative minefield of putting it in then needs to be death with, but once royal assent happens it will be coming in as a law and there will be nothing anyone can do to stop it.

Seems like a long old road, but I guess it will be worth it for equality. I honesty, I think this country did a very stupid thing in bringing in civil partnerships. No other country has done that - everyone else has just one right in with equal marriage for all. Having civil partnerships mean that the bigots can say things like "but the gays have civil partnerships" and I think creating them in the first place gave the impression that gay people are different. I know a couple of straight couples who would like the opportunity to have a civil partnership, as they prefer the terminology to that of marriage, so I think all forms of partnership should be open to all.

I suspect there will be many more objections, and have been amazed at some that have been voiced so far. One Tory MP said that marriage is about children and gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry as they can't raise children. I love the argument of "next we'll be allowing people to marry their dogs" - that one made me laugh! Apart from anything, a dog can't give its consent!

I really hope it goes through and comes in. Not only because we already have everything sorted - seriously I know where, when, who's coming and what we're both wearing! I even know how uh the sodding thing will cost! Just need the government to sort their bit out now so that we can have our celebration - and who knows, maybe we'll have a little teeny bridesmaid or pageboy, we're aiming for 5th September 2015... Wish us luck!

On Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mums, angel mummies and mummies to be.

This year is especially hard for me, because not only do I not have my mother with me, but I have also not been able to conceive in the last year I have an angel baby, but not a baby to hold in my arms.

I can only hope that in heaven my mum is holding my angel baby.

Much of this site has been taken down. Sorry about that, with recent events in the donor community, I'm not sure how ok I am leaving it up after finding out certain truths. I am not going to say any more on this subject other than if you re still looking for a donor, look well and choose carefully. If anything gives you the heebie jeebies, look into it straight away. Don't wait.

I won't be around here a great deal. We are hoping to start TTC again in October, so maybe see you all then x

Since When Was Being Gay A "Fertility Problem"?

I've been looking around lately at various LGBT publications (Diva, Pink Parenting etc) and am coming across a bizarre trend. ALL of these publications seem to be under the impression that the only way for a lesbian couple to have a child is to go through a fertility clinic. 

I filled in a survey at Pride a couple of weeks ago about trying for a baby, and the options for how you were trying were very limited. It was something like "Adoption, IVF, IUI, other clinic treatment", which I thought was a little bit backwards. There was no option for any type of non clinic insemination. No artificial insemination, no natural insemination... just clinics. 

Looking at the amount of ladies online who are using donors, and have found their donors through sites like Pride Angel or Tadpole Town, it surprises me that publications that are there to advise LGBT people on their options do not consider this a viable option. I've seen many families created through known donor insemination.

Fact is fact, being gay is not a "fertility problem" so why should it require a fertility clinic? Especially when such clinics often charge ridiculous prices for their procedures? People often look shocked when DP and I say we are trying with a known donor - yes, that's right folks, a person not just a vial of sperm. As much as I understand why people go to clinics, I think publications need to state the fact that AI with a known donor is an option that many ladies choose to take. It is an option that is as successful as just plain old having sex. 

As a final note, anyone who has questions about finding a donor give us am email

Dear Mum...

Here's a letter I posted on my personal blog two years back. I was reading it just now and I feel like it's an important letter.

Background is that my mother passed away as a result of Ovarian Cancer in 2007. She was diagnosed wrongly originally, and six weeks after the proper diagnosis she passed away. This letter was written two years after she passed away, as I had a lot of thoughts that I needed to get out into the open.

WARNING - it's a bit of a tearjerker

--------------------------
Dear Mum,

It's been almost three years since you passed away and nothing will ever be the same again. From an outside point of view life goes on, but sometimes I can't get you out of my head.

It's odd how when someone passes away they get this new status. Every time I have a problem, my head thinks you would know the answer, but sometimes my heart tells me that you, like me, wouldn't have a clue. I wonder how you would feel about things all the time. Would you be proud of me? Would you agree with choices I'm making and support me?

Occasionally I hear or see something that reminds me of you. The Friends theme tune always makes me laugh thinking about you and Sarah 'harmonising' and every time I hear (bloody) UB40 you pop into my head. I'm glad that these kind of things rarely make me sad any more. That's progression for me, that sometimes I can just remember a happy time rather than having that memory tarnished by the feeling of loss I still get a lot. It's taken me a long time to feel happy at a memory.

It happens sometimes when I'm out and about - I see something that you would have loved and it saddens me that I can't get you whatever it is. I'm sure Beatles Rock Band would have been a hoot! 

I still feel bad that I didn't see you before you passed away, and I wonder if you knew how ill you were. If you did, I still wonder why you didn't say anything to anyone. I know there's nothing anybody could have done to help, but we all would have been there with you. One thing that sticks in my mind is the very last time I saw you, about three weeks before you passed away. When I left for dad to give me a lift to the station you were crying. I asked what was wrong. You said nothing, just that your stomach hurt and that you love me. I said I could stay if you wanted. You said no. What tears me to pieces even now is wondering if that moment was you saying goodbye. Why couldn't you have just told me?

It's difficult. Amy and I got engaged not so long ago. Dad said he doesn't know whether he'll come to the wedding. I know you would have been there. You might not have approved, but you would have been there.

I wonder what you'd be doing now. Would you still be at Morissons? Or would you be somewhere else? Would you and dad still be together? Would you have got another dog like you wanted? Would you have come down to see Amy and I and meet the dogs? Would you have been any good at Beatles Rock Band (haha)? 

I just miss having you there to support me. I used to speak to you almost every single day on the phone. If you didn't hear from me for a couple of days you would phone me wondering what was wrong. Valentines day the year you passed away you came down to see me with Sarah and Kayleigh and we saw We Will Rock You and just had a good day. I'll never forget that day. You said I looked great, like I found my place - and I had. I still know London is my place, but I think dad has only just accepted that. You supported me when I moved to London. To be honest I think in the back of your mind you thought I'd only be down here a couple of months and I'd throw in the towel.

With yesterday being Valentines Day, people asked me and Amy if we had bought eachother anything. We didn't, because both of us agree that if you love someone you should tell them every day not just once a year. If I would have known how little time I had left with you I would have told you I loved you every single day. I would have been there. 

So I just wanted to write this because mother's day is coming up and I needed to put my thoughts down in words instead of the mangled mess in my head - it's a bit more coherent this way. I promise I will go to the cemetry at some time soon. I know I don't need to go there to remember you but I know how you used to go on about how you hoped when you passed away there would always be flowers on your grave. You're always in my heart.

With all the love my heart can hold,

Laura
XxxX 

Ten Commandments of Lesbian TTC

1) Thou Shalt Learn To Like Sperm (ok... tolerate... maybe not like)
As lesbians we have nothing sexually to do with the opposite sex, so it's a little odd when you come to considering having a child - you need a man for this! With at home insemination as well, you need to actually DEAL WITH the sperm - ew!

2) Thou Shalt Not Underestimate How Complicated Your Body Is
During TTC I've learnt that my body does a hell of a lot more than I've ever thought it did. Before TTC I never knew that cervical mucus can determine when you're ovulating... and cervical position too. I used to think everyone ovulated half way through their cycle and had no clue what an ovulation predictor test was or what LH was.

3) Thou Shalt Welcome the Third Person in Your Relationship
Your donor (if you are using a known donor) will become an important person in your life, especially if it takes a little while to conceive. Embrace this. Donors do such a wonderful thing in helping women who can't have a baby for sperm related reasons achieve their dream - so appreciate them. They are not sperm vending machines.

4) Thou Shalt Be Cautious
Despite most donors being good people who just want to help, there are some nuts about. Be aware.

5) Thou Shalt Embrace the Vitamins
Some people don't take vitamins whilst trying to conceive, which is fine. My motto when it comes to vitamins is "well... it won't do any harm". At the moment I'm taking Pregnacare Conception, agnus castus, vitamin b complex, folic acid and omega 3... eeeeeeeevery day. They won't harm anything... but they might help! That's the way I see it.

6) Thou Shalt Try Not To Be Stressed
Trying to conceive is stressful - there's nothing anyone can do about that. Just take each day as it comes. If you get overly stressed just take a deep breath and re-evaluate.

7) The Two Week Wait Shalt Suck
It sucks. The Two Week Wait sucks. It's stressful, it's disappointing if you get a negative and your body does play tricks on you. No matter how much you try not to think about it, your mind will wander back to trying to conceive. Anything your body does that it doesn't normally do will arouse suspicion in you. Funny tummy? Is it wind, indigestion or implantation? Who knows... It's stressful but at least it's only two weeks!

8) Thou Shalt Try To Resist Google
If you google any "symptom" during your two week wait you can guarantee that someone, somewhere will have had that symptom and become pregnant. I've seen women ask if they're pregnant for all kinds of reasons - they've dribbled more in their sleep, they have a rash on their left knee... all kinds of reasons. Google is great but it's also a nightmare, as any symptom will have you believing you're pregnant. The only thing that can tell you for sure if you are is a pregnancy test, which leads be nicely onto number 9!

9) Thou Shalt Try To Avoid The Peesticks
Now, I find it easy to not pee on a stick as I find it stressful. My whole issue with the Clearblue Fertility Monitor was that for every day of my cycle from day 6 I had to pee on a stick in the same 6 hour time period - INVOLVED! So I ditched the monitor. If you MUST pee on a pregnancy test from 1dpo try and do it cheaply. You can get sensitive tests on amazon for £5 for about 30... It's a cheap way to fuel the addiction - haha! Of course it is always better to wait until at LEAST 10dpo as the chances of a positive before that is quite low.

10) Thou Shalt Embrace The TTC Support Network
Lots of people out there are trying to have a little one. Generally, they are fantastic people and the support network around TTC is so helpful, especially during the two week wait or after a disappointment. It's useful to have people to share your thoughts and feelings with, especially when family and friends may not know you're trying. Also, you can find other lesbian couples who know what you're going through as often the lesbian tt process is quite different to that of "straight" couples. I've met some wonderful people through various forums who make the whole thing much easier... :-)

When You Wish Upon A Star...

Last night, I wished on the first star in the sky. I was having a bad night - so call it ridiculous if you wish. But it certainly won't HARM anything even if it doesn't help.

Here's my star if anyone else wants to make a wish for me or for yourselves.
(photo was taken on my Iphone... so not the best quality in the world)

""Star Light, Star Bright, First Star I see Tonight. I Wish I May, I Wish I Might. Have This Wish I Wish Tonight"

"When You Wish Upon A Star, Makes No Difference Who You Are. Anything Your Heart Desires Will Come To You..."